When I first began writing on this blog my aim admittedly was to prove to myself that I could commit to something. See I’d had many projects before which I would slip out of the habit of doing until eventually they stayed on the metaphorical shelf and became dust collectors until my inspiration struck once more which would lead me to pick them up, dust them off and commence again. But even after a year of almost consistent blogging, I have come to terms with the fact that this is not always feasible. Which is why in July I decided to take the month off from writing altogether but mostly from blogging and the community but this was due to many reasons.
Firstly the one which is most prominent in my mind right now is that my mind is often against me. I feel a fraud in any writing and that my ability to write is significantly lacking with little improvement. Of course, once I have a break and able to pull myself out of this mind frame, it becomes evident that my OCD is playing tricks upon my mind and encouraging this self-doubt. Though it’s still there, most likely it will always be there, but it is essential that I begin to recognize these negative thoughts and deal with them efficiently rather than allowing them to overtake me and cause crippling self-doubt. Otherwise, I might end up going completely mad.
Other reasons for my silence links once again to my mental health but this time back to my family. When I began this blog, I promised it would become a place of honesty, my truth as it were would be rambled out into posts which likely no one would read but give me a way to express my inner thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings which I would generally be restricted from showing in my everyday life. Sadly in July despite the promise of adventures and fun occurring a dark cloud decided to reside consistently.
I don’t deal with death well, if at all since I was 11 years old, it has become the worst trigger for my anxiety and something which encourages my mind to fixate on the bad rather than the good. It causes me to be unable to see properly but instead allows a dark shadow to veil over my vision. In July there was a lot of death and coincidentally foreshadowed death.
In July, two of my Great Aunts whom both I have loved and grown to admire for both their sense of wit and humor throughout my life sadly passed away two weeks apart. First was my Great Aunt Edie, whom when I first met introduced me to the treat of sugared strawberries – much to my parent’s dismay as they became a favourite sugary treat for me. The second was my Great Aunt Madge, whose stories of her school days made me howl with laughter, but not as much when she, Edie and their other sisters ganged up on my Grandfather causing him to act as if he was a five year old once more with his older sisters scoldings. Unfortunately, since departing to university, my fallen out with my Grandfather and their failing health I hadn’t seen them in a while which I have come to regret. But I am grateful for the memories they have given me and the influence which they had on me which I hope to take with me for the rest of my life.
I wish that were where the news could end. But July becomes ruthless in dark and upsetting news as my mother’s sister diagnosis changed drastically. My Aunt Kim for the past few months has been battling stomach cancer. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as good as we’d hoped for. Kim and I have not always had the best relationship, but she is still my family, my mother’s sister and a Grandmother to my cousin’s children all of whom I cherish greatly. Hearing the news was devasting, and it makes me want to be stronger for my mother who has already lost her older brother and twin years back is now faced with losing her older sister. It is a pain which as an only child I don’t think I will ever begin to understand.
Perhaps this is too much negativity to put into a single post, but I need some way to express myself. Maybe writing will become a refuge for me once more. I wish this were all but it does not appear so, my Grandmother has given up hope and is slowly dying. It’s hard to know every visit to her care home will not be productive and have to see her get weaker and weaker and still be unable to convince her to try to eat or live. I feel useless, but I still hope she may change her mind and try to live.
With all this going on, I just needed some way to express how I am feeling without burdening anyone before I become too overwhelmed and my own black cloud starts to take over. Something good which has come out of the countless counselling sessions over the years, I am able to identify my triggers even though I’m still trying to figure out how to not let them control me as much as they often do.