*** Trigger Warning: This post involves reference to sexual assault and abuse***
It was near our end, an end which I wished came so much sooner. Perhaps it should’ve come sooner. We were standing with friends at the bar, it was really quiet too, my dress was suddenly lifted and I felt these hands grabbing my ass and sinking in deeper towards my private areas. I was horrified as I turned out abruptly seeing this middle aged man, I was in shocked, after all their was practically no one in the bar an I didn’t think something like that would’ve happened right then.
It wasn’t your fault, just the aftermath was. I was crying, I hadn’t actually realised but it was your friends who held me. I was violated not because some guy had grabbed my ass, no. I was violated because afterwards you order more drinks and forced me to sit back with your friends – even though it was clear I wanted to go home. I could have left but that would have caused a seen and you didn’t want that to happen, it was all show that night. I had to sit silently and watch you drink and order more while I had to sip my water, shaking still.
It should’ve ended there, after all you proved to me that I was an afterthought. We got home and you then lashed out, hitting walls, doors and throwing stuff around. Finally you sat down on my bed and cried while I was broken and left to then comfort you… At least until you told me that I wasn’t allowed to touch you. That I’d have to sleep alone that night and not be near you. You warned me that if I touched you, that you were so close already to doing something you’d regret because I wasn’t in the right mind, so I wasn’t allowed to touch you.
Why didn’t I see then. The next day you took my virginity, I found out you cheated and you forced me to apologise. As if it was my fault and then because I didn’t show I was sorry enough, you threatened to choke me till I passed out, so that you could fuck me unconscious…
Maybe I shouldn’t have wrote this, maybe at first I didn’t think it was a big deal because I had experienced worst, it wasn’t as bad as other people’s experiences because others had it much worse than I did. I promised though to be honest on this blog and I need to keep it that way. It’s so important to talk about sexual harassment and assault, then maybe I should tell my story even if it was just to show that it isn’t always a stranger but sometimes a partner too.
It’s time to speak out I suppose, rather than allowing sexual assault and harassment to be a normalised experience because whether you think it’s just something small doesn’t mean that it is insignificant. In fact it’s the small things which then make it okay for bigger things to happen.
Speak out because you shouldn’t be alone and do not think it is your fault. Time to be strong together. #MeToo