Maybe it’s because I feel so lost right now that it has to be a ‘Goodbye’ before ‘Hello’ can be even introduced or mentioned. Last September I made the very first cautious steps into adulthood, venturing out like many my age into the unknown were we become solely responsible for ourselves. Back then I felt brave and excited in anticipation of a new adventure and yet I think on this adventure has caused me to fall. Like Alice, I feel as if I’ve now fallen down a rabbit hole but unable to reach the key to get to Wonderland.
I don’t regret it, well some parts but that is a part of life is it not? I made friends, lost friends, fell in love, lost love and then fell out of love but it’s not the only loses. I lost a job, gained a new then lost faith in myself and became undone. I’ve unraveled into a shell of what I once was, and now I fear that I must begin the long journey again to make myself whole.
However, I’m lucky because I don’t have to do it alone, I have my family who is supporting me in my decisions and my friends who have been there for me. Instead of moving into a house like many university students with friends, I’ve decided to move back home and left a house which I could have lived in. Could Have unhappily. Coming home is the best decision which I have made, as it means I can be safe, feel safe but still have that independence which I have gained over the past year.
I’m scared now though. I feel safe but the world outside my door has become a fear for me and now even though I know that I should push myself out, I can’t. Not yet but that is okay because I know soon I will feel safe again and the world won’t be as scary as it seems to be at the moment. One day I won’t be scared that I make the wrong decisions, one day I won’t be in constant fear wondering who I can trust and maybe one day I won’t be scared to fall in love again and believe in a new way which I’ve lived in constant fear.
I guess this post is a beginning, a beginning of me admitting I am afraid, afraid of my own mind and thoughts, but saying Goodbye to that as I want to move on. I want to be better and not allow the darkness, insecurity, and fear to follow me regularly and let myself to feel the light. I want to be what I was last Summer once more but better than that. I want to one day be confident and fierce and excited about life once more.